the hanging tree

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Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where I told you to run so we’d both be free.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.

Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.

 

makes you wonder

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I no longer know who I am. 

I am leading a life where I vaguely know where I’m in. And it sucks mainly because I am truly clueless of what’s going to happen. I am miserable, alone and badly beaten. I miss the times where I led a life that I know would be good. Some order, some light. But it failed when I poorly let myself sucked into this tangled story. And love is to blame. And the sad thing there is. I don’t even think that I’m loved back. 

yeah, it’s bullshit. but this fucking love crippled me in waaaaay low life that im in..and thes no one to save me, because no one has the courage to do so, and no one loved me enough.

its a pretty shitty life, admit it. and its inescapable. the only thing that drags me still to it was the fact that, yeah, i still love him. hmmmn.

yes, im the last of the mad ones. but i dont know how resilient is my heart to pain. someday, i may get to the point where i can regain myself and be off to where i left my once life. though now, we’re going to be 2. me and this little kid whom i knew i love.

To prove your worth

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A love lost. 

What does the fate require of me?
Not only I lost someone I dearly loved, now, I also lost someone I knew for certain loved me beyond anything he hoped for. I missed my Dad. 

It’s been tough for me. To be like this, in this state. I longed for someone to comfort me, but there is no one there for me. I don’t know what to do with all this mess I’m in. It’s strikingly blowing and maddeningly painful.

I tried to fight my way out of things, but it just dragged me down. J has been, well, intricately enjoying the fact that I’m not around. And those offers seems pointless. I wanted someone to be with me because they loved me, not because they ought to be, need to be and it’s like buying a gadget that looks really really good to buy. 

My Dad taught me to honor people, love truly and keep your promises. I think, it’s the ones I got from him. And tell me, did it do something good for me now? I mean, look at me? Torn and broken and barely living my life to it’s extent. 

I have been trying to evade the feeling that I have for J. Why? Because I think, I should like to matter. I think, I like to see my worth in the eyes of the person who’s saying he loves me. but I can’t see that. I can’t even feel that. It stings my heart that I risked it all over again to hear things that I don’t even know if it’s real. 

Am I worth it? 

point it out

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J, you’re afraid of marriage, yet you can’t stand the thought of being alone. You believe in forever, only, it doesn’t have to start now. You’re afraid of commitment, yet you said you wanted to be a dad, hey, being a dad is a commitment. I’m sure you know that.

Can I ask you something? When you said you loved me, did you plan to keep me forever? Because LOVE IS A COMMITMENT J, it is not just a word you get to throw whenever you like it.

It’s been like I’ve known you for 6 years and like some alien thingy abducted you, because I don’t know you anymore from the guy you used to. You became the person you said you wouldn’t become. And I don’t know what’s real anymore J, and which are fake. I don’t know what to believe. And those memories? I’m feeble in recognizing if they are genuine. It hurts like a beating to know you in the now. J, hindi ikaw yan. Have you become so numb, and unsympathetic, and cold? What happened to my friend, who every steps in my way, used to care? What happened doon sa mga conversations natin before sa phone, nung we were bestfriends? Because that’s the time that I believe in you so much, coz alam ko, pag sinabi mo, gingawa mo. And it’s your dream. I failed to see that it looks like when I had gotten in the way, you’re prepared to ditch me.

Another thing, concerning my virginity. Because you raised an issue there. And you know me J, I  DON’T LIE. Not in a thing like that. I know that I’m pure before you got me. I told you that when we were bestfriends, and Noli was there remember? Bakit naman ako magpepretend na hindi na  virgin? To what extent? Para sa anong rason? And after all ng sinabi nyo sakin, all the secrets that we shared that night, hindi pa ba sapat to come clean if I’m not really a virgin? Think! Bakit ako maglalie, and think if I’m the girl na naglalie. You know that I suck about lying sa little things, how much sa big things? I did not bleed, and some girls are like that, we researched it in the net remember? And I did bled, pero a little sa CR. And after your little stint, some girls here talked that they themselves did NOT BLEED at all. And J, can’t you see the pain I’m in, the sensation that you felt? How can you deny that I am a virgin. I felt betrayed to the fact that I gave you something that I reserved and protect even when I almost lost it, I still managed to keep it, and you downgraded it. Just because you couldn’t find a way why I got sick. Well, here it is J, after we call it quits, the result of the 2nd gram staining went out. And it’s not STD at all, it was some kind of infection alright pero it was just std like. Thank God im cured. Ain’t it insulting that you had to think otherwise of me because of that? It was maddening to think that such thing arises so that we should see how strong our forever maybe.

We seemed to forget who we are J. And it’s sad that we forgot that this isn’t about the two of us anymore, but Caleb or Cleona. Remember those talks, na sabi mo, ayaw mo ng maranasan ng anak mo yung dinanas mo. Na hindi mo alam yung identity mo dahil dysfunctional nga yung pamilya mo. And I told you na ayaw ko ng maranasan ng anak ko yung broken family, kasi I know how it hurts. And I felt sorry for Caleb, kasi he would suffer yung mga bagay na yun, doble pa ng hirap natin noon. Alam ko naman J na mahal mo sya, hindi ko naman yun dinadowngrade or deni deny. Ang gusto ko lang makita is yung ipinaglaban mo sya. Kasi anak mo sya e. I mean, 3 weeks na kasi na I was expecting na you would pursue him. Pero wala e, natakot ka. Takot ka, or ayaw mo atsaka galit ka. Galit ka sakin sa anong dahilan? Sa mood swings ko na sinasabi mong kaartehan? Sa hinihingi ko na time, dahil i deserve it na sinasabi mong nakakasakal. Understand please na we decided to forego na magkalayo muna dahil wala naman akong mapupuntahan. And you said, mas gusto mo ko here, and I said, yeah sure. And I thought na it was okay to you, na you would do everything talaga to help me adjust kasi nga diba you promised that? But you wanted freedom na deemed sa single man. And I was left waiting for calls / texts.

WHat you don’t see is, I needed it. For now. Talking to you. Because in my state, I was always looking for you. Sana J, naintindihan mo na nalulungkot ako kasi nasa ibang lugar ako, wala makausap, d makalabas, walang work, and pinapahirapan ng mood swings and eternally missing you. I don’t know where I went wrong there. I mean, I was then your hmmn…”future wife???” so i think it was awfully my right.

Alam ko na baka pointless lang din naman to. Pero gusto ko lang mabigyan ng chance yung side ko. Sana, naisip mo na tama lang ang reaction nila kuya dahil paano kaya kung kay ate jhing nangyari yung nangyari sakin, hindi ka ba magagalit? Or si Papa mo?

But anyways, this is between the two of us. I want you to think it over. Without someone na mag sasabi sayo what to feel. I am reaching out to the J that I’ve known, and understand. Because underneath that cruel, shitty person na pinapakita mo ngayon, I know na ikaw pa rin yung taong nagpa feel sakin na I’m loved for quiet some time. And yun yung tao na minahal ko with everything he is, he have and every past that he shared with me.

Was it easy for you to let me go?

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Did you forget? The things I used to do with you? Do you remember all the things that we argue about? I’m still saying this again, how unfair J! Because here I am, still, holding on that forever that you used to promised. 

Are you somehow sad because I’m gone? Or are you somehow glad that you finally get rid of me? Does it sting your heart somehow? Do you grieve? Do you mourn? Because no matter how sour the things go J, my heart still goes to you. And I kept wondering why. Because you’ve given me enough to run away, but still, I am somehow thinking that possibly, possibly, there’s a miraculous explanation why you acted that way. Because the pain of standing alone in your promised forever hurts like hell, because you weren’t there. 

Are you satisfied, with the pain I’m in? Because I loved you still? Because see? I was fighting for the man you used to be. I keep telling myself to never give up on you because you’re just confused or shocked. I was hoping you would do something remarkable J. Like maybe, ground us with one of your surprises. But no, you kept that pride as a prize. And yeah, no matter how I try to deny to myself that you didn’t mean it when you said that you don’t love me anymore, the more I’m more inclined that maybe, it might me true. 

I know J. You’re scared of the responsibilities. You always were, but don’t you think it’s time to man up and be someone who I can rely on? I know J, you don’t want to marry me because you thought we were much too young, but I hope you realize that aren’t you a little young too to have a child? 

Don’t you see? I was scared J, since the beginning, but I’m taking chances for you and Caleb. Because I used to be secure that you’re not going to abandon me..or us. But you turned to us just when we needed you the most. 

I’m scared for me and Caleb. Having a baby at 24 without a husband, without a job, away from home, with no bachelor’s degree. See where you left me? 
but even then. I love you. Even then I can’t bring myself to hate you. Because I’m still hoping that you would have courage to take us in. To change. To be brave. TO be unselfish. 

I just don’t understand J. I don’t know what I’m hoping for. But this is one thing I’m sure of: You are not like that. You have a better sense than that. You know how to love, and to care, and to plan for a better future with doing something. I don’t know, if you still have me in it. But please, include Caleb in that. He deserve that.

its a matter of whys

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I should say that we should stop the blaming anyway J.

It’s not helping any of us. Or our baby. Yes, the baby is the only person who connects us now in a somehow positive way. I heard that you left yesterday, off to fulfill your dreams. Dreams that should have been us to share it with, but you decided that I am no longer worthy of anything you  would embark. And it’s saddening me, because I though you love Caleb, in a way, you’re the one who’s more excited when we have known that we’re going to have him. And I don’t know what happened J. 

See? I know that I’m not perfect, and please know that you are too. And to tell you the truth, the pregnancy is really hard for me, it’s hardwiring my mind because of my fears. You used to tell me that you are not secure that I would not leave you, but when I got pregnant, I was the one who’se not secure anymore, all the more when you didn’t want to marry me. It scares me everytime because I feel that something is up. But I tried to work it out somehow, I did change. I may have slips, but I’m only human J. And you provoked me most of the times, and I don’t know why. It’s just so unfair, because you’re steps ahead of me. I didn’t know that you planned to ditch me all along. 

I know J, I was the one who called the shots, but you really pushed me didn’t you? I mean talking about virginity and all? It’s the trick right? To get me angry. Because you very well know that it’s a lie, you know I was truthful, you know that you were my first. And it shocked me out of my system because I can’t believe that you would do that to me.I trusted you so much J, more than anyone. And you went for the kill. Why J? Was it because I was not worth it? After all those things I had to give? I was not worth it still? All those sacrifices I had to give was not counted? And for all it’s worth, all the love? All those mattering? 

I heard you already went away yesterday, are you happy? Because finally you get rid of the girl that you wanted to get rid off for the longest time? You know, I was expecting that I still matter even a bit to you. Or even the kid, but No. Yes J, I know you tried to talk about him, but J, was it really the only effort you want to give for your kid? You’re gonna cower after a conversation like that? I was only rooting for you that you would fight for him J! Because the kid deserve something more than that out of you. Even though you didn’t man up for me, but I was praying that you would stand up for your kid. Because he’s yours, and he has your claim to deserve. But you didn’t. I don’t know what your plans are, but I hope, you include him when you return.

Why J? Because after all you did and said, I was not angry. Because I still believe in the guy who went over the moon for me. Who loved me with all his eyes and devote himself to me. It’s strange, but it’s the only thing I remember most of the times, and I long for it. And if ever it may run out J, I’m still believing in you as my best friend. Who went out of his way everytime I’m down. The best friend that always wants to cheer me up when I’m crying, and the best friend that I can confide on.Because these things J, I remember, not your flaws, not your mistakes. Because I understand that people have them, even me. But that genuine good person in you, it’s the only thing I want to remember.Because to me, that’s the real you. I believe in you that much, and yes, I still love you that much too.

 

Hold back the tears, there’s little reprieve

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What I’m about to tell you were things that haven’t passed my lips yet. My mind is too noisy and my heart too painful so I breathe it out here. It’s not much help, but it’s something than thinking and crying at once.

I’m scared, coz he’s scared too.

How I wish he man up for this. Because I need him. 

I’m trying to push every thought aside but I just can’t. He’s trying to save someone whilst I’m crying in this four walled room alone. How can it be so easy for him to left a hurting me? I wish I mattered more. Because I once did. And I know the feeling of how he takes care of me and my feelings. It just doesn’t feel the same. From where I stand, I feel so worthless.

I’m trying, for the sake of me. To let every hurt that comes my way pass. But things were way too much. I can’t sleep every night thinking where do I stand. In my nightmares, I was usually alone in the scene. Every night, while he spends the night outside, I wish him to be with me. For physically, I can’t stand the changes, and I want him around me but he’s entirely not around. I feel suffocated by everything, incapacitated by the thoughts running in my mind. For all it’s worth, I didn’t dare talk about this to anyone, because I don’t want them to think otherwise of him. And I want to talk it through with him, but he isn’t giving me any chance.

I am unhappy and lonely, and I know I shouldn’t feel so but it’s just the way that I feel. More than anything, I wanted him to know that I feel tenfolds of what he’s feeling, but I’m trying to manage. 

I wanted him to know that I need him too, more than they. But he just can’t see that.