Hold back the tears, there’s little reprieve

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What I’m about to tell you were things that haven’t passed my lips yet. My mind is too noisy and my heart too painful so I breathe it out here. It’s not much help, but it’s something than thinking and crying at once.

I’m scared, coz he’s scared too.

How I wish he man up for this. Because I need him. 

I’m trying to push every thought aside but I just can’t. He’s trying to save someone whilst I’m crying in this four walled room alone. How can it be so easy for him to left a hurting me? I wish I mattered more. Because I once did. And I know the feeling of how he takes care of me and my feelings. It just doesn’t feel the same. From where I stand, I feel so worthless.

I’m trying, for the sake of me. To let every hurt that comes my way pass. But things were way too much. I can’t sleep every night thinking where do I stand. In my nightmares, I was usually alone in the scene. Every night, while he spends the night outside, I wish him to be with me. For physically, I can’t stand the changes, and I want him around me but he’s entirely not around. I feel suffocated by everything, incapacitated by the thoughts running in my mind. For all it’s worth, I didn’t dare talk about this to anyone, because I don’t want them to think otherwise of him. And I want to talk it through with him, but he isn’t giving me any chance.

I am unhappy and lonely, and I know I shouldn’t feel so but it’s just the way that I feel. More than anything, I wanted him to know that I feel tenfolds of what he’s feeling, but I’m trying to manage. 

I wanted him to know that I need him too, more than they. But he just can’t see that.