Hold back the tears, there’s little reprieve

What I’m about to tell you were things that haven’t passed my lips yet. My mind is too noisy and my heart too painful so I breathe it out here. It’s not much help, but it’s something than thinking and crying at once.

I’m scared, coz he’s scared too.

How I wish he man up for this. Because I need him. 

I’m trying to push every thought aside but I just can’t. He’s trying to save someone whilst I’m crying in this four walled room alone. How can it be so easy for him to left a hurting me? I wish I mattered more. Because I once did. And I know the feeling of how he takes care of me and my feelings. It just doesn’t feel the same. From where I stand, I feel so worthless.

I’m trying, for the sake of me. To let every hurt that comes my way pass. But things were way too much. I can’t sleep every night thinking where do I stand. In my nightmares, I was usually alone in the scene. Every night, while he spends the night outside, I wish him to be with me. For physically, I can’t stand the changes, and I want him around me but he’s entirely not around. I feel suffocated by everything, incapacitated by the thoughts running in my mind. For all it’s worth, I didn’t dare talk about this to anyone, because I don’t want them to think otherwise of him. And I want to talk it through with him, but he isn’t giving me any chance.

I am unhappy and lonely, and I know I shouldn’t feel so but it’s just the way that I feel. More than anything, I wanted him to know that I feel tenfolds of what he’s feeling, but I’m trying to manage. 

I wanted him to know that I need him too, more than they. But he just can’t see that.

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