its a matter of whys

I should say that we should stop the blaming anyway J.

It’s not helping any of us. Or our baby. Yes, the baby is the only person who connects us now in a somehow positive way. I heard that you left yesterday, off to fulfill your dreams. Dreams that should have been us to share it with, but you decided that I am no longer worthy of anything you  would embark. And it’s saddening me, because I though you love Caleb, in a way, you’re the one who’s more excited when we have known that we’re going to have him. And I don’t know what happened J. 

See? I know that I’m not perfect, and please know that you are too. And to tell you the truth, the pregnancy is really hard for me, it’s hardwiring my mind because of my fears. You used to tell me that you are not secure that I would not leave you, but when I got pregnant, I was the one who’se not secure anymore, all the more when you didn’t want to marry me. It scares me everytime because I feel that something is up. But I tried to work it out somehow, I did change. I may have slips, but I’m only human J. And you provoked me most of the times, and I don’t know why. It’s just so unfair, because you’re steps ahead of me. I didn’t know that you planned to ditch me all along. 

I know J, I was the one who called the shots, but you really pushed me didn’t you? I mean talking about virginity and all? It’s the trick right? To get me angry. Because you very well know that it’s a lie, you know I was truthful, you know that you were my first. And it shocked me out of my system because I can’t believe that you would do that to me.I trusted you so much J, more than anyone. And you went for the kill. Why J? Was it because I was not worth it? After all those things I had to give? I was not worth it still? All those sacrifices I had to give was not counted? And for all it’s worth, all the love? All those mattering? 

I heard you already went away yesterday, are you happy? Because finally you get rid of the girl that you wanted to get rid off for the longest time? You know, I was expecting that I still matter even a bit to you. Or even the kid, but No. Yes J, I know you tried to talk about him, but J, was it really the only effort you want to give for your kid? You’re gonna cower after a conversation like that? I was only rooting for you that you would fight for him J! Because the kid deserve something more than that out of you. Even though you didn’t man up for me, but I was praying that you would stand up for your kid. Because he’s yours, and he has your claim to deserve. But you didn’t. I don’t know what your plans are, but I hope, you include him when you return.

Why J? Because after all you did and said, I was not angry. Because I still believe in the guy who went over the moon for me. Who loved me with all his eyes and devote himself to me. It’s strange, but it’s the only thing I remember most of the times, and I long for it. And if ever it may run out J, I’m still believing in you as my best friend. Who went out of his way everytime I’m down. The best friend that always wants to cheer me up when I’m crying, and the best friend that I can confide on.Because these things J, I remember, not your flaws, not your mistakes. Because I understand that people have them, even me. But that genuine good person in you, it’s the only thing I want to remember.Because to me, that’s the real you. I believe in you that much, and yes, I still love you that much too.



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