Was it easy for you to let me go?

Did you forget? The things I used to do with you? Do you remember all the things that we argue about? I’m still saying this again, how unfair J! Because here I am, still, holding on that forever that you used to promised. 

Are you somehow sad because I’m gone? Or are you somehow glad that you finally get rid of me? Does it sting your heart somehow? Do you grieve? Do you mourn? Because no matter how sour the things go J, my heart still goes to you. And I kept wondering why. Because you’ve given me enough to run away, but still, I am somehow thinking that possibly, possibly, there’s a miraculous explanation why you acted that way. Because the pain of standing alone in your promised forever hurts like hell, because you weren’t there. 

Are you satisfied, with the pain I’m in? Because I loved you still? Because see? I was fighting for the man you used to be. I keep telling myself to never give up on you because you’re just confused or shocked. I was hoping you would do something remarkable J. Like maybe, ground us with one of your surprises. But no, you kept that pride as a prize. And yeah, no matter how I try to deny to myself that you didn’t mean it when you said that you don’t love me anymore, the more I’m more inclined that maybe, it might me true. 

I know J. You’re scared of the responsibilities. You always were, but don’t you think it’s time to man up and be someone who I can rely on? I know J, you don’t want to marry me because you thought we were much too young, but I hope you realize that aren’t you a little young too to have a child? 

Don’t you see? I was scared J, since the beginning, but I’m taking chances for you and Caleb. Because I used to be secure that you’re not going to abandon me..or us. But you turned to us just when we needed you the most. 

I’m scared for me and Caleb. Having a baby at 24 without a husband, without a job, away from home, with no bachelor’s degree. See where you left me? 
but even then. I love you. Even then I can’t bring myself to hate you. Because I’m still hoping that you would have courage to take us in. To change. To be brave. TO be unselfish. 

I just don’t understand J. I don’t know what I’m hoping for. But this is one thing I’m sure of: You are not like that. You have a better sense than that. You know how to love, and to care, and to plan for a better future with doing something. I don’t know, if you still have me in it. But please, include Caleb in that. He deserve that.

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