point it out

J, you’re afraid of marriage, yet you can’t stand the thought of being alone. You believe in forever, only, it doesn’t have to start now. You’re afraid of commitment, yet you said you wanted to be a dad, hey, being a dad is a commitment. I’m sure you know that.

Can I ask you something? When you said you loved me, did you plan to keep me forever? Because LOVE IS A COMMITMENT J, it is not just a word you get to throw whenever you like it.

It’s been like I’ve known you for 6 years and like some alien thingy abducted you, because I don’t know you anymore from the guy you used to. You became the person you said you wouldn’t become. And I don’t know what’s real anymore J, and which are fake. I don’t know what to believe. And those memories? I’m feeble in recognizing if they are genuine. It hurts like a beating to know you in the now. J, hindi ikaw yan. Have you become so numb, and unsympathetic, and cold? What happened to my friend, who every steps in my way, used to care? What happened doon sa mga conversations natin before sa phone, nung we were bestfriends? Because that’s the time that I believe in you so much, coz alam ko, pag sinabi mo, gingawa mo. And it’s your dream. I failed to see that it looks like when I had gotten in the way, you’re prepared to ditch me.

Another thing, concerning my virginity. Because you raised an issue there. And you know me J, I  DON’T LIE. Not in a thing like that. I know that I’m pure before you got me. I told you that when we were bestfriends, and Noli was there remember? Bakit naman ako magpepretend na hindi na  virgin? To what extent? Para sa anong rason? And after all ng sinabi nyo sakin, all the secrets that we shared that night, hindi pa ba sapat to come clean if I’m not really a virgin? Think! Bakit ako maglalie, and think if I’m the girl na naglalie. You know that I suck about lying sa little things, how much sa big things? I did not bleed, and some girls are like that, we researched it in the net remember? And I did bled, pero a little sa CR. And after your little stint, some girls here talked that they themselves did NOT BLEED at all. And J, can’t you see the pain I’m in, the sensation that you felt? How can you deny that I am a virgin. I felt betrayed to the fact that I gave you something that I reserved and protect even when I almost lost it, I still managed to keep it, and you downgraded it. Just because you couldn’t find a way why I got sick. Well, here it is J, after we call it quits, the result of the 2nd gram staining went out. And it’s not STD at all, it was some kind of infection alright pero it was just std like. Thank God im cured. Ain’t it insulting that you had to think otherwise of me because of that? It was maddening to think that such thing arises so that we should see how strong our forever maybe.

We seemed to forget who we are J. And it’s sad that we forgot that this isn’t about the two of us anymore, but Caleb or Cleona. Remember those talks, na sabi mo, ayaw mo ng maranasan ng anak mo yung dinanas mo. Na hindi mo alam yung identity mo dahil dysfunctional nga yung pamilya mo. And I told you na ayaw ko ng maranasan ng anak ko yung broken family, kasi I know how it hurts. And I felt sorry for Caleb, kasi he would suffer yung mga bagay na yun, doble pa ng hirap natin noon. Alam ko naman J na mahal mo sya, hindi ko naman yun dinadowngrade or deni deny. Ang gusto ko lang makita is yung ipinaglaban mo sya. Kasi anak mo sya e. I mean, 3 weeks na kasi na I was expecting na you would pursue him. Pero wala e, natakot ka. Takot ka, or ayaw mo atsaka galit ka. Galit ka sakin sa anong dahilan? Sa mood swings ko na sinasabi mong kaartehan? Sa hinihingi ko na time, dahil i deserve it na sinasabi mong nakakasakal. Understand please na we decided to forego na magkalayo muna dahil wala naman akong mapupuntahan. And you said, mas gusto mo ko here, and I said, yeah sure. And I thought na it was okay to you, na you would do everything talaga to help me adjust kasi nga diba you promised that? But you wanted freedom na deemed sa single man. And I was left waiting for calls / texts.

WHat you don’t see is, I needed it. For now. Talking to you. Because in my state, I was always looking for you. Sana J, naintindihan mo na nalulungkot ako kasi nasa ibang lugar ako, wala makausap, d makalabas, walang work, and pinapahirapan ng mood swings and eternally missing you. I don’t know where I went wrong there. I mean, I was then your hmmn…”future wife???” so i think it was awfully my right.

Alam ko na baka pointless lang din naman to. Pero gusto ko lang mabigyan ng chance yung side ko. Sana, naisip mo na tama lang ang reaction nila kuya dahil paano kaya kung kay ate jhing nangyari yung nangyari sakin, hindi ka ba magagalit? Or si Papa mo?

But anyways, this is between the two of us. I want you to think it over. Without someone na mag sasabi sayo what to feel. I am reaching out to the J that I’ve known, and understand. Because underneath that cruel, shitty person na pinapakita mo ngayon, I know na ikaw pa rin yung taong nagpa feel sakin na I’m loved for quiet some time. And yun yung tao na minahal ko with everything he is, he have and every past that he shared with me.

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