What I’m about to tell you were things that haven’t passed my lips yet. My mind is too noisy and my heart too painful so I breathe it out here. It’s not much help, but it’s something than thinking and crying at once.
I’m scared, coz he’s scared too.
How I wish he man up for this. Because I need him.
I’m trying to push every thought aside but I just can’t. He’s trying to save someone whilst I’m crying in this four walled room alone. How can it be so easy for him to left a hurting me? I wish I mattered more. Because I once did. And I know the feeling of how he takes care of me and my feelings. It just doesn’t feel the same. From where I stand, I feel so worthless.
I’m trying, for the sake of me. To let every hurt that comes my way pass. But things were way too much. I can’t sleep every night thinking where do I stand. In my nightmares, I was usually alone in the scene. Every night, while he spends the night outside, I wish him to be with me. For physically, I can’t stand the changes, and I want him around me but he’s entirely not around. I feel suffocated by everything, incapacitated by the thoughts running in my mind. For all it’s worth, I didn’t dare talk about this to anyone, because I don’t want them to think otherwise of him. And I want to talk it through with him, but he isn’t giving me any chance.
I am unhappy and lonely, and I know I shouldn’t feel so but it’s just the way that I feel. More than anything, I wanted him to know that I feel tenfolds of what he’s feeling, but I’m trying to manage.
I wanted him to know that I need him too, more than they. But he just can’t see that.
I am pregnant. And I thought he loved me all the more, but he didn’t.
Instead, he broke up with me, he told me he doesn’t love me anymore. just like that. like i didn’t matter or anything. like i was nothing. garbage.
and I was lost, confused and hurt and sad and scared. but im keeping my baby. its only a month but i love him already. yes, i love him. coz he is mine. and now that everything is wrecked, he’s all i have. and im keeping him. ill make it through this for him, coz i love him. though his dad won’t, i will.
i know that i should be sad for a love that’s lost. I am. but Im choosing to be positive, in a way. for my baby.
I love his dad, of course. that
s something that is strong for now. even though he hurted me greatly today, i still love him. and maybe im hoping to set things right, and i hope they would, but im only trusting the Lord now, I know its the thing that I should do.
So for now, everything is blurry, only one thing is clear.im glad to have my baby inside of me.
I’ve been weighing things if I’m the one in cliche. but no, i feel like ive been begging for attention just because some europe dude came. and because, sure, the thing they want to do is enjoyable, im losing the battle.
right now, im just tired of fighting every shit chance i have to get his attention. I figured, LOVE is deserved, not won. Attention is. Trust is.
And now I wait, fighting this depression that’s looming over me. Standing against all the crap that I think. When all along, I want him to be with me. He’s going to come home late and tired and I’ll end up disappointed and more unhappy that ever. Coz the priority isn’t me. I felt like I never was.
My thoughts have been wandering. And hence, it goes where its not good.
The problem with me is that I don’t talk until I’m hurt. And when I talk, I don’t finish what I’m saying. It’s all in my head. I think it’s very dysfunctional to be this way.I am very sensitive about the things he do, coz he matters. Am I overboard on way thinking too much?
I love him, what more is there to say? I told him last night that he’s not making an effort to pursue me, coz it feels that way. He’s not sweet anymore. I don’t feel special in a way. And the thing is, I only miss the feeling coz he MADE ME FEEL THAT WAY BEFORE. And I miss it. So much. I felt that the time is ticking and he’s going away very far for months. I want every memory sticks. I want to remember him in such a way that I ill be so crushingly aching for his return. Sure the sadness of him being away is hard, but every sweet memory of him that I have will compensate every longing that I will soon feel.
I love him, and sometimes I think he doesn’t see that.
perhaps, when all he sees is his pain, he lost sight of me.
I may not be a perfect partner, but somehow, my love for him is. I hope he can see that. I just want him back the way he was before. Happy. and Mine.
Manic Depression. i know sometimes I do. the hell right? it’s just these things we feel eats us to destruction. We doubt things, we have a series of worse case scenarios that plays and plays over again in our brain.
I’ve been wondering what the hell happened to these past few months. I watched everything and everyone I care for crumbled down. And I myself take a fall too. Something unexplicable happened within… and I break more and more as i watch each fall. I miss the times we had, when we could all just take a laugh at almost everything. Everyone is missed. and I, left like a child wandering, spiraled along this roller coaster ride.
So basically, this blog is mostly about it. So watch out to my forever rantings.
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